In all my years doing this work one of the most common things I have encountered is that men feel they need to show up with perfect technique and performance. There is a real tenderness, a sincere wish to make a woman feel good and I love them for it. But I have watched that same anxiety get in the way of the very thing they are chasing, again and again. Incredible intimacy. A woman opens because of how she feels emotionally far more than how she is being physically touched. When she feels safe, wanted and truly seen, her body has the opportunity to soften and open.
Safety is the real foundation
So if you want to be the most wonderful lover, the first place to put your attention is never her body. It’s how she feels in your presence. Can she take it at her own pace? Does she know she can change her mind at any moment and still be held with the same warmth? Does she feel that you see the actual woman in front of you and want her as she is? Can she ask for what turns her on?
Your nervous system is always online. When a woman feels rushed, watched, judged or unsure of the person beside her, her body stays half-braced, and pleasure simply cannot bloom. Her body is doing exactly what it is built to do, keeping her safe until it has certainty that she is.
What reverence actually feels like
To touch someone with reverence is to slow right down and stay genuinely curious, meeting her as a person you are learning. When a woman feels appreciated like that, wanted exactly as she is, the self-consciousness that usually stands between her and her own pleasure begins to melt. She stops watching herself from the outside, stops wondering how she looks or how long she is taking, and can settle fully where she is in the safety of your presence.
Meet her fully
If you take one thing from all of this, let it be that you slow right down and pay attention to her instead of getting lost in your own head about getting it right. Ask her how she is feeling and truly listen, notice what makes her soften and let her know there is no rush and nowhere either of you needs to be.
Technique does have its place, of course, because there is real pleasure in being touched by someone who wants to learn your body physically. But the best sexual experiences are discovered in the moment by asking and listening fully. Ask her what feels good, then follow what you’re told. She knows her body best! A woman will teach you exactly how to touch her if you stay curious enough to keep listening, and that will always allow her to experience the most pleasure.
Make her feel safe and wanted and seen, stay curious and kind, and the rest of her will meet you there.
Love,
Evie xo